im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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