All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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