So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
only you would photoshop your dick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize