Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
