guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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