a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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