bring money and cleavage
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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