Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
