I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He did a backflip because drugs
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
