Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
