Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
