No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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