She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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