....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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