Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
