What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
