What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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