I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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