Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
