Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
