We won't sleep together?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
