wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
