If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
