I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
