i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
