Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
