I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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