twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize