Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
