The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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