I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize