Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
