so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
