No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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