you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
try to milk me bitch
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
