I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
