One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
