I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
