I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
