Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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