I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
