this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
