my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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