I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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