So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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