Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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