Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize