i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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