toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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