I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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