I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love having hate sex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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