I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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