I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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