I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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