he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
