After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
