So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
