Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
