Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
